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Our Dear Volac,

We have finished our review of your trainee evaluations. We congratulate you on your efficiency. Considering how many minions you have to supervise, it is quite a task to complete this much paperwork on top of your other responsibilities. We should also let you know that the director of Inhuman Resources was quite pleased to receive them on time.

It appears that many of our trainees are enthusiastic about their task. They know that we are at war with the enemy, and that one of the most important strategies in any war is to divide and conquer. When we can get the followers of the enemy to distrust each other and fight amongst themselves, the battle is half won!

We must never let our trainees forget that our assignment is to sow dissension and confusion in the enemy’s camp. This can be done in so many ways. We can divide them over trivial matters, and we can encourage them to re-unite while ignoring matters the enemy deems important, thus dividing them further.

The pride and arrogance of man is an easy target for us. Remind your trainees of our greatest success, when one of our most brilliant executives created the papacy by convincing the leaders of the enemy’s congregation in Rome to follow the spirit of our servant Diotrephes and make submission to themselves the basis for unity among all of the enemy’s followers. They have never recovered from all of the divisions this caused.

Remind your trainees that they can do the same damage with their individual charges. Individual followers of the enemy are as prone to arrogance as their leaders. They can be convinced of their own infallibility as well. There are already millions of them who have been trained to make agreement with their idiosyncratic ideas a non-negotiable requirement for fellowship. The rest need to be taught to think the same way.

We have had a successful quarter, and we encourage you to keep up the good work. Remember that our job is to continuously drill one basic idea into the humans’ brains: In essentials, apathy. In non-essentials, rigidity. In all things, enmity.

Your Master,